I guess it's been a meltdown spring

I'm still not sure if I can be counted as one of the casualties, I continue to avoid the public... sounds like there is one hell of a flu out there.

It's Sunday night... I'm finally feeling normal... usually I catch about 12 hours of sleep on Saturday and I then assdrag till Sunday morning then feel much better... catch an afternoon nap... and that is my weekend. This weekend has been fits and starts of 6 hour naps and 8 hour awake periods.

I was watching "Trading Places" this weekend, as a kid.. I don't know what it was.. maybe being the opposite of my rural upbringing... but some kids wanted to be a fireman or policeman... I wanted to be a stock broker... I wanted to wear a suit... This would be extra funny if you knew what a grungy dirt worshiper I am. I was reminded that at one point, I wore polo shirts, and wanted to make big money. It makes me wonder where I got the idea, funny thing was that seeing "wall-street" made me rethink that..... you know how kids are.

It's crazy to me, that I keep managing to make money doing this... I keep seeing it as a dream that I swear should end at any moment.... an unknown manic depressive episode.... with delusional overtones... and yet the money keeps coming.. and it keeps going up.

The dream of a child....... it seems like maybe this was the path I may have needed to chase my entire life... maybe it is my bliss... but it sure is difficult... I umn.... there was something I was hearing or remembering about how... Even though something is so Shitty to do, that is so miserable.... but that you love it so much you are willing to keep going with it... that tells you what you should be pursuing...

I guess maybe that counts in love as in Work... if you don't love it, enough to suffer... it's probably not what you should be doing with your life.... The idea that I can make money Trading these stupid little pieces of paper.. that mean nothing... I guess the same is true for those green pieces of paper that sit in our wallets too.